It is not just romanticizing. It is a real, practical question that many expats face: after years of effort, if you still feel disconnected, staying may not make sense for your personal well-being, even if it makes logical sense for your husband's career. The decision should weigh your own happiness and identity, not just gratitude or obligation.
You have given it five years, learned the language, and still feel no click. That is a significant signal. The Netherlands is a wonderful place for many, but it is not a universal fit. The direct communication style, the strong emphasis on planning and structure, and the reserved social circles can be especially hard for someone from a more expressive or relationship-oriented culture. You are not failing; you are recognizing a mismatch.
Practical tradeoffs to consider: Staying means continued access to a high standard of living, excellent healthcare, and good public services. But it also means ongoing emotional labor to navigate a culture that does not resonate with you, and possibly a quieter social life. Leaving means starting over, but with the chance to find a place where you feel a sense of belonging and ease. Neither choice is wrong, but they serve different priorities.
Concrete next steps: First, have an honest conversation with your husband about your feelings, separate from his job situation. Explore whether his career could be portable or if a compromise location exists. Second, try a short-term change within the Netherlands, like moving to a different city or region. For example, some expats find more warmth in the south (Brabant or Limburg) compared to the Randstad. Third, join a hobby or interest group that is not language-dependent, such as hiking, photography, or a book club in English, to build connections outside of work or your husband's network. Fourth, consider a trial period of a few months in your home country or a third country to see how you feel away from the pressure. Finally, if you decide to stay, seek out a therapist or coach who specializes in expat adjustment. They can help you reframe your experience or make peace with the mismatch.
Your feelings are valid. The Netherlands is not for everyone, and that is okay. The real question is not whether you should be grateful, but whether this life is making you happy. The answer to that will guide you.