Your first Dutch poem is a brave and creative attempt. The imagery is vivid and the emotional arc from confinement to a plea for freedom works well. However, there are grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that a native speaker would notice. With some adjustments, it can become much stronger.

Key issues and suggestions:

  • Verb placement: In Dutch main clauses, the finite verb comes second. "In het huis waarin ik woon zijn de hoeken rond" is correct, but "een kelder trappen die naar beneden gaan" is not. It should be "een kelder met trappen die naar beneden gaan" or "keldertrappen die naar beneden gaan." Similarly, "daar, in die kelder staan twee stieren vastgebonden" is fine, but "geketend staan ze daar" is inverted; better: "geketend staan ze daar" is actually correct because the verb is second after the fronted participle. Still, consider "ze staan daar geketend."

  • Word choice: "aanschouw" is formal and poetic, which suits the tone. "Rug van de tijd" is unusual but evocative. "Opgezwollen neusgaten" is vivid. "Uitdrukkingen" and "gevoelens" are fine, but "de meest subtiele kamers van jouw geest" is a bit clunky; "de subtielste kamers van je geest" is more natural.

  • Punctuation and line breaks: Poems often use line breaks for rhythm. Your text is a single block; breaking it into lines would enhance the reading experience. Also, the colon after "zeggen" should be followed by a capital if it's a direct quote, but in poetry, you have freedom.

  • Grammar details: "rood gekleurde hoorns" should be "roodgekleurde hoorns" (compound adjective). "Mijn eerste poging" would be a good title. "Ik aanschouw" is correct, but "aanschouwen" is transitive; you aanschouw something, so "de rug van de tijd" works.

Next steps:

  1. Read your poem aloud to check rhythm and natural stress.
  2. Use a Dutch grammar checker or ask a native speaker for corrections.
  3. Revise with simpler, more direct phrasing where possible.
  4. Consider joining a poetry workshop or online community for feedback.
  5. Keep writing; your voice is unique and worth developing.

For more structured practice, resources like Dutch Fluency can help with grammar and vocabulary. Remember, poetry allows creative license, but a solid grammatical base makes your imagery shine. Your poem already has strong bones; with polish, it will resonate more deeply.